no. 4: devotion

In my last post, I talked about passion, but I completely forgot to mention devotion. Passion and devotion to most are the same thing, or maybe two fruit from the same tree, but I believe that "devotion" is an entity of its own.

    This past week, I made my collection post. The first draft of this particular post is admittedly a very, very drawn-out one, complete with pictures of (mostly) all of my ACO collection and little personal blurbs on each one. It looks crazy, I'm aware, but I felt like I needed to show the world how devoted I am to...whatever this is. "Devoted" is the only word I have for it other than "obsessed", which is a rather crude word for how I feel.

    The term "devotion" usually sparks biblical reminders. When I hear it, I think of the devotees who work tirelessly to appease whatever God they pray to. They build churches, shrines, some big and some small. They teach others about their devotion. They dedicate their entire lives to whatever "cause" they have. It's not all religious, but there's definitely something strikingly spiritual about being so passionate about something that you can't help but to throw yourself into it in full force. As I stated before, it immerses you wholly.

    I know I'm an obsessive person, and not in a "quirky" way. It's not normal to want to meticulously categorize my whole collection for the world to see. It's not normal to sit and write for nine hours straight about my ACO collection with little to no break. It's not normal for me to sometimes feel like I need to watch things related to ACO in order to get out of bed. Yet, I don't like calling what I have an obsession. I don't think most people like admitting they have a serious, chronic obsession. But what's the line that draws that from devotion?

To be devout to something, most agree that it comes from a positive source. It leaves a positive impact on you, and you leave a positive impact on it. To be obsessive is the opposite; it drains you yet leaves you needing more. I admit that I fall into both categories and have experienced both sides simultaneously.

    I believe I briefly touched on this in my introduction, but the fixation I had on the movie was nearly debilitating. I remember calling off work once just to watch the movie synced to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. You know, like the Wizard of Oz phenomenon? I actually made notes on the synchronicities I saw with ACO and watched it x2. Maybe this will be a future post. I left a friend's party because I felt too anxious socializing only to go home and immediately read ACO fanfiction to make me feel better. I didn't really do much except go to school, work, and compulsively check the ACO tags on Instagram. It wasn't fun.

    Things did get better once I got out of school and worked a lot more shifts to keep myself occupied. The best "distraction" from a seriously debilitating fixation is honestly a retail job. You have to give your brain some tough scrubbing once in a while, otherwise it'll rot away. Forcing myself out into the world gave me some decent social skills that I could've never gotten being locked up consuming the same media in my room.

The calling never left me, though. This was something ingrained in me, something that, if ignored, would just come back in full throttle. A-la-Alex.

    When things pop back up in my life, I know now that they pop back up for a reason. The reasoning doesn't always have to be a good one, but if you use your heart as a sensory organ, you'll come to realize that your intuition usually knows best. In my case, I reached out to the universe a long, long time ago. I sent out that vibrational frequency. I gave all my energy into it, all that I had in me. And when it was ready, it contacted me back. Think of it like a multi-dimensional boomerang.

Isn't that how most people experience "God"? Or something along the divine? I suppose you can make anything divine, if you believe in it enough. You ever read about the Pastafarians? Interesting people.

    I've wanted to make something documentative like this for a long time, whether it be a social media account, a blog, even a YouTube channel. I felt like I needed to share my passion, my fervent devotion for this book. This movie. This man. And why? Why is it that when people have similar fixations to me, they feel the need to make a big deal about it online? We're spreading our assholes wide open for everyone to see, baring the most vulnerable parts of ourselves for...what? A few likes? The hope that someone sees it? The answer is that drive. That force that compels you to do it.

    The reason why people do things like this is to "prove" themselves in some way, whether they want to admit it or not. Maybe it's some kind of insecurity, maybe it's some kind of ego thing, who knows, it's different for everyone. But everyone loves to be validated. Everyone loves being told that they're normal, there's nothing wrong with them, and whatever they're devoting themselves to is healthy and good. Collective confirmation bias: you hate to see it, but love to experience it.

 You cannot be devoted without first being obsessed.

This isn't to say that dedicated and devoted blogs are all unhealthy, but you have to wonder if it really does help in the long run. Is this helping me? I don't know, but it sure as hell is fun and gives me something more productive to do other than sit and scroll on my phone.

    

    I think that's why, in my case, I don't really come off as "insane". Perhaps I am boring compared to most other "freaks" out there. I'm very, painstakingly, self-aware. I have my little quirks, don't get me wrong, but I'm not blogging about Alex being my literal in-the-flesh boyfriend. I'm not so far gone as to thinking that he is, but I worry that maybe one day I might have a switch flipped and start rocking back and forth in the corner of my room mumbling something about "eggiwegs" and "steakiwakes". Just goes to show that you never know who you're passing by when you're walking out there. I could be smiling away, looking all fresh and clean, composed and seemingly normal, yet I have this blog. I have the shrine.

...besides, he would probably get off on my whole "devotion" thing, anyway.